i forgot to mention

that Ray seems to have apeared to Kaleb at 10:04 on Monday morning, the exact time at which he died. or something did: Kaleb asked gramma what that was by the window and she caught sight of the clock. Susan said it was the curtain, but Kaleb said no, there NEXT to the curtain. i'm just saying. Kaleb would have no idea what he was saying, being 2. Susan mentioned it to Chad, even, at the time, hours before they found out about Ray and what time he died.

well, I felt Nina visit me at the time of her death, although it was in thought, not in manifestation. perhaps Kaleb is too young to know the difference? who knows. who knows. they say there are many documentations of these moment of death things.

i will miss those bear hugs. how odd that I seem to be able almost to cry at this one when I wasn't for any of the others. perhaps Ray was far enough distant...

I'm giving up

tomorrow is Ray's funeral. he was in the Fire Department, I keep forgetting, for years before I really knew him, so it will be a large affair, I'm told, with trucks and pipes and everything. and so we have yet another family funeral. i was guilty of trying to maintain my regular life again, but i realized this morning that i am going to visit the family today, not go in to work where they don't want me anyway, why persevere there after all? yesterday i discovered that several family members didn't know yet and so left work early to make some calls, this morning i was staring at the ceiling thinking i have payroll transfers to do/ i wonder if susan has figured out how to handle K when my mind caught up with me. i'm hoarding money on the one hand and profligate with it on the other. i'm maintaining an allegiance that nobody cares about or even notices. i'm taking today off and dealing with emotions, both my own and the family's, which they (we?) don't seem to deal with much these days. this is the ninth (I think, I've lost count) death in the 15 years I've been here. to be expected when everyone was born before well WWII--more than half of them before WWI--but wearing nonetheless. off to aunt e's.

Ray

GORDIE, Gerald R., 75, of Tampa passed away July 25, 2005. He was preceded in death by his parents, Fred and Ollie Gordie, brothers, Howard and Dick Gordie, and his wife of 25 years, Peggy Gordie. Survivors include his son, Gerald R. Gordie Jr., and wife, Sharon; daughters, Diana Fisher and husband, Gary, Debbie Hartzner and husband, Charlie, Susan Larson and husband, Keith, Holly Warriner and Sarah Housh; mother-in-law, Eleanor Diaz; sister, Ginger Carlisle; grandchildren, Christopher, Justin, Shanne, Casey, Rachael, Jordan, Michael, Holly Ann, Chad and Kimberly; and nephews, Steve, Neil and Rick Gordie. Mr. Gordie was a Florida native. He was born in Dade County, lived and was raised in Sneads, and moved to Tampa in 1954. He retired from the Tampa Fire Department after serving 21 years. He was also with the Hillsborough County Fire Department for 10 years. Mr. Gordie also served in the U.S. Air Force during the Korean War. He received three Bronze Stars, ROK Presidential of Unit Citation a nd the Korean Service Medal, and was the recipient of an Air Medal, 6147 Tac Control Squadron. Funeral services will be held at 10 a.m. Friday, July 29, 2005, at Garden of Memories Funeral Home with interment following in Myrtle Hill Memorial Park. Family and friends will gather Friday one hour prior to services. In lieu of flowers, contributions may be made to Attention: Joe Voscherian, Gold Shield Foundation, P.O. Box 271791, Tampa, FL 33688-1791, in his memory. Published in the TBO.com on 7/27/2005.

poltergeists

well, it's been an unusual time. first i got pink-slipped, and then there was the car, which I have noted ad nauseam below. the other night the faucet in the tub gave way and now comes on in the middle of the night all by itself repeatedly. the wireless keyboard on the desktop is not responding, and now I've discovered that the phone does not work, I think it's been blown out by the lightning. saturday morning the car window started going up and down all by itself and I was trying to figure how I would keep the daily rainstorms out later on that day when it stopped and I was able to capture it in the up position and activate the lock.

my stars and garters. i'll just keep knitting. and taking days off from work to fix things. i had a wonderful, life-saving time in new orleans and 'though the car ended up costing me about $750, nearly $500 of that, being brakes and tires, was maintenance anyway, if admittedly untimely. I'd planned to take the opportunity to put in the tub faucet I really wanted instead of just fixing this one, but obviously this is not that oportunity. I bought some new batteries but I still have the original keyboard if I can't get this one working and the phone only cost ten bucks, so I can just get a new one of those if need be. The car window is still up and I really hate the job so all in all all's still right with the world here. if I can get it all done, I may even be able to finish the top I'm knitting today and get some time in at my LYS later this afternoon...

I had a dream this morning

not a usual occurrence. What I remember is that I was waiting to meet Steph, who had somehow arranged to meet me at 7 at a shopping mall of sorts, but she wasn't there. I waited around and went upstairs and when I came back down the stairs she was standing outside the elevator saying where was I? I told her I had been there since 7 as she said and then we were in a restaurant of sorts, sitting opposite each other and drinking white wine, or at least I was. And he was standing beside me--the mature man, not the one I knew. I wasn't sure who he was, or else I wasn't sure if Steph knew him, so I didn't introduce him and after a few moments he reached down and poured some of his red wine into my glass, making it pink. I had been trying to remember the name of a show I'd seen (although I remember I called it a "conference") in the course of recounting my history to Steph, and he said something about stretching fabric and I said "that was it!" and he poured the contents of his wine glass into mine and made as if to leave. I said "are you trying to pour (your?) art knowledge (back?) into my head?" thereby acknowledging him (did I introduce him to Steph?) He crossed around behind her and sat down next to me, as one might do when taking off but pausing awhile, and we continued our conversation with him occasionally interjecting softly. He had grey hair and wore no glasses. Earlier (?) in the dream I had made up a book of pictures and aphorisms and non-sequitur articles and included something of his in it. He emailed me to comment on whatever question I had included in the piece. I think this was before his appearance at the restaurant--which I don't know was an appearance, he might have been with us all along since there was no continuity before it, but might have just shown up there, too.

I don't remember having dreamed of him before ever, since I don't remember my dreams much at all. I know I've never dreamed of him as we would be now, if here were alive.

marketing

in the studio?

sunday morning

portrait of the artist

feetblossom

then

Astounding WTF?

I just received an email from my supervisor that amazes even me. She is glad I survived but reminds me that vacation time is supposed to be pre-approved, although she realizes that I hadn't planned this accident. WTF???? I wrote back reminding her that I had pre-approved the vacation time of at least a week and possibly longer, depending, and she'd said then to do whatever was best for me, but perhaps she'd forgotten. Tried to be as gentle as possible (give me strength!) but really--they just non-renew my contract AND "encourage" me to use my vacation before I go and then, when I ACTUALLY HAVE A CAR WRECK, she "gently" reproves me for not pre-approving it????

Sounds like she's not quite sure what she means, it must not have been a very good week there last week. Ah well, they'll have to get used to it sometime, after all, as I won't be there in six months. Since they really weren't sure what I did, I suppose it is confusing. But pre-approving this situation? After they've essentially insisted I get lost?? Gimme a break! I should've just taken the whole two weeks in the first place, when they were all anxious for me to, rather than leaving it open to extend if necessary--and now this, THIS is necessary! Unbelievable. But not really, I suppose; this actually is just another example of why I'm so glad I'm out of there.

To think that, when I assured her I did not intend to take all 6 weeks (actually, some 8.5, by December) she was all "you do whatever is best for you, I really mean that." Yeah, right. Guess the shit that hit the fan was somehow "unforeseen." (Pay no attention to the shit that hit my car...)

And so we wait

motel boredom

busywork

Posting here again

More damage than I had hoped. I had to get new rear brakes and drums and three new tires. I would have had to get that anyway, though, as I was about due and this incident just seems to have pushed them over the edge (and me.) I also have to investigate how to get a new right rear wheel assembly hub here, whatever that is but I think it's what holds the wheel on. The guy says I should be able to get back to Tampa with the three new tires and the new brakes, but we shall have to see once that's done, and I need to get it checked out and ordered when I get there so it might make more sense to do it here. Meanwhile, the picture below is AFTER the power wash....

10 lbs of swamp mud in the wheel wells

While waiting..

I stroll the streets of Marianna of a morning:

marianna morning

suitman

himself

PO

And now for something competely different...

Denouement: I creep into Marianna, Florida this morning to find out just how much damage really is done to my car. I am hoping for a simple pre-paid alignment fix, but the fact that both hubcaps blew off the right side of the car does not seem to me to be a good sign. It may be a while before I post here again...

What I saw on my walk today

lily

relflection

interior

shop chipley

stop motel

untouched (levelled lot)

skyline

tin ditch

snaps

sentinel

myrtle

crepe

.

Hier, devant le deluge...

.

.

biloxi gulf

untouched

Re-entry

You just know you’re WAY off base when you actually resent having to pay $100 for a Holiday Inn Express room in Chipley, Florida immediately after spinning out of control on Interstate 10 because a truck lost a tire tread and you had to do some racecar moves you didn’t know you knew to get up and down and back up the median on the right side of the highway pointed in the right direction all the while managing to stay upright, and then leaping from your car as soon as it came to a rest to wave to the rather stunned man still stopping to assist and/or identify the body, who has difficulty believing that anybody who’s spun around five times over 100 yards of highway divider swamp like that is not only merely mud-covered but actually upright and leaping AND has only lost two hubcaps and knocked the car out of alignment in the process; I mean, I could have stayed three, maybe four more days in New Orleans on what I may have to pay to stay here in sharkland over the 4th of July until somebody opens to fix me! (But truly, I’m fine.)