I'm giving up

tomorrow is Ray's funeral. he was in the Fire Department, I keep forgetting, for years before I really knew him, so it will be a large affair, I'm told, with trucks and pipes and everything. and so we have yet another family funeral. i was guilty of trying to maintain my regular life again, but i realized this morning that i am going to visit the family today, not go in to work where they don't want me anyway, why persevere there after all? yesterday i discovered that several family members didn't know yet and so left work early to make some calls, this morning i was staring at the ceiling thinking i have payroll transfers to do/ i wonder if susan has figured out how to handle K when my mind caught up with me. i'm hoarding money on the one hand and profligate with it on the other. i'm maintaining an allegiance that nobody cares about or even notices. i'm taking today off and dealing with emotions, both my own and the family's, which they (we?) don't seem to deal with much these days. this is the ninth (I think, I've lost count) death in the 15 years I've been here. to be expected when everyone was born before well WWII--more than half of them before WWI--but wearing nonetheless. off to aunt e's.